Notice how your body feels, in the present moment, without judgment. Emotions are really just physical sensations. The aching feeling of heartbreak in your core. The hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen.įeel: The chair under your butt. Hear: What are you aware of hearing, right now? Yammering in a coffee shop. Notice the colors, shapes, and things you can see in the room around you. The practice: Look: Notice what your phone / tablet / laptop looks like right now. Anchoring yourself to the reality of the present moment by using your senses creates a protective barrier between you and intrusive thoughts. You are sitting at a table, eating a bowl of cereal. Recognize that your vivid thoughts are activating all these scary, painful feelings, but in reality, nothing bad is actually happening to you right now. The practice: As soon as you become aware that you are thinking about your Ex, say, (out loud, if necessary) “I am thinking about something that is not happening right now.” 2. It sounds simple, but it’s very easy to get swept away in our thoughts without even noticing what’s happening. Self Awareness is the ability to think about what you’re thinking about, and the fact that you are having an internal experience-not an actual experience. Schedule Now 5 Ways to Deal with Your Ex Being with Someone Else 1. In order to rescue yourself from the impotent madness of this obsessive love, in addition to moving through some very specific stages of healing, you must learn and practice three new cognitive skills very deliberately, every day, until you’re in the clear: Self-Awareness, Mindfulness, and Shifting. (Nor does forcing yourself to date again - you’ll actually be more likely to miss red flags in your vulnerable state - or getting into therapy to “heal your self-esteem” or any of those things.) If you don’t take deliberate action to take control over what’s going on in your head and your heart, you can stay stuck in this place for a really long time. I know from walking with countless broken-hearted people who are suffering the same way that you are, that time alone does NOT heal this. Trust me on this one: I’ve been working as a divorce counselor and breakup therapist for a long time, and even wrote a book all about the recovery process - Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love if you’re interested in learning more. Instead, it keeps you from moving forward. Ruminating does not bring any value to your healing process. So when you’re imagining your Ex and their new sex partner making out on the couch, you react to it emotionally (and physically) like you were seeing it happen right in front of you: your heart starts racing, you feel nauseous, and you are filled with pain and rage.īeing victimized by these intrusive images is incredibly traumatizing. You feel trapped in your own head.īelieve it or not, the part of your brain that sees things in your mind’s eye cannot differentiate between something that you’re thinking about and something that is actually happening. You want to stop thinking about it but you can’t. You lay sleepless, writhing in agony at the injustice. The joy and passion you envision for them are made all the crueler by the stark contrast to your own silent bed. ![]() It’s worse at night when there are no distractions. You see your Ex - the happy, sweet, fun one you first fell in love with - sharing the best parts of themselves (and hiding the rest). Except your role is being played by someone who might be sexier, more fun, or more interesting. In your mind’s eye, you play out scenes from your life together. They probably skipped the motorcycle ride and decided to spend the day in bed. Maybe they are having sex right this very second. ![]() Are they holding hands right now? I bet they’re kissing. “Are they on the motorcycle right now? He’s probably taking her to that restaurant I always wanted to go to that he said was too expensive. It feels like your blood has been replaced with Arctic seawater: frozen and stinging at the same time. “Coping” has been overwhelmed by a storm of emotion. Now, waves of rage, pain, self-doubt, and resentment are crashing over you. Maybe some well-meaning third party just thought this information would be valuable to you. Maybe because you’re following up on their social media, or trying to be friends with your Ex. Then you found out that your Ex is sleeping with someone new. You’ve gone through the confusion of whether to stay or go and all the angst and hard decisions that come with leaving – but just been coping. Until now you’ve been handling your divorce or break-up process well.
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